EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITIES

From time to time, every now and then, once in a while, on occasion, opportunities to join the staff, and become part of the staff here at The Carlton Institute come up, and here are a few that have come up, so applications for the following available positions, as listed below, are currently available as follows:

FIRST VIOLINIST:

The unexpected, unanticipated, and untimely departure of Sawshaw Highfitz has left a literal and figurative void in our performance ahnsamball, because without a distinguished and accomplished musician sitting in the First Violinist Chair, as we hear the lilting sound spilling from the auditorium on the second floor, it's gravely evident that the Carlton Symphony Orchestra is drifting, a ship without a keel, a plane without a rudder, a hobo without one of those little red bandana pouches at the end of a long stick, but then, who could fault anyone for answering a call from the New York Philharmonic, yet, here at The Institute, we grieve at the loss of a friend, a collaborator, an artist, a gifted interpreter of Liszt, Chopin, Lennon & McCartney, John Prine, but from this pits of despair, forward we must move, and forward we will move, so we are requesting that qualified applicants send a resume, a letter of recommendation, and an eight-track cassette of recent performances to our offices here on Broadway so that we may choose an individual for that coveted seat, who, of course, will be given the many perks that come with the position, including the right to play The Institute's Stradavarious, but the new person will have to bring their own bow because try as we might, we just can't find the one we've had for all these years, and none of us want to even consider the thought that Sawshaw might have borrowed it, a nice way to say that it might have been stolen right from under our noses, but we hope that that's not the case, because there is the chance that it got thrown out when we trashed all that Gilbert and Sullivan stuff, because, well, nobody liked The Pirates of Repentance anyway.

WEB MASTER:

Nobody even wants to go up to the third floor anymore, what with all those spiders up there, so we hope we can find someone who would take a long broom in hand, maybe a few dust cloths, a can of Raid, and some Simple Green, and clear up all those spider webs, so if there's a candidate for this position, don't even bother to apply, because you can just walk in and you're hired on the spot because, well, none of us want to even go up there to the third floor anymore.